Today is a special day for our friends south of the border as they head to the polls to elect a new president. Here now for its last-minute endorsements of both candidates is the divided sport of hockey.

 

 

Hockey for John McCain

Hockey is a game that respects tradition and is watchful of those who aim to “improve” it.

John McCain understands that hockey is a dangerous pursuit, and no amount of visors can change that fact. If you’re not willing to sacrifice a few teeth for the cause, feel free to move to badminton and see how you like it there.

Before you cast your vote today, just remember that, if given the chance, fanatics like Sean Avery and Jarkko Ruutu would destroy everything that hockey holds near and dear to its heart.

As such, hockey needs a leader who will protect its Second-Amendment right to bear arms.

It needs a leader who understands that enforcers are peacemakers, not warmongers.

It needs a leader who will stand tall against the proliferation of Patrick Kaleta.

It needs a leader who will give you Donald Brashear when you pry him from his cold, dead hands.

John McCain is committed to ensuring that the men of hockey are the best, most capable fighting force in all of sports.

If elected, he’ll scrap the instigator penalty that’s for years allowed rogue players to operate with impunity. These enemies of the game must be held accountable, and, occasionally – unpleasant as it may be for some of us – force is the only way to accomplish that goal.

Finally, Mr. McCain will put an end to the frivolous hooking and holding penalties that only serve to tax the pace of the game. He believes that hockey needs less regulation, not more.

 

 

Hockey for Barack Obama

Hockey is in dire trouble in the United States. You can join Mr. Obama and choose to solve hockey’s problems or, like Mr. McCain, you can bury your head in the sand and pray they fix themselves.

During eight years of President George W. Bush’s leadership, hockey suffered unimaginable hardships. These hardships continue in places like Atlanta and Columbus and Nashville and Miami and Los Angeles.

Make no mistake – hockey is under attack from ruthless, foreign raiders to the north. Without a leader who’s willing to take meaningful action on the economy, countless American jobs will be ripped from the heartland and relocated to third-world locales like Hamilton and Winnipeg.

But this is not just an election that’s concerned about the economic state of the game. It’s about the game itself, and how the game represents itself in the global community.

Barack Obama believes that hockey should stand as a beacon for cooperation and sportsmanship, not thuggery.

Of course, Mr. McCain will tell you that hockey needs fewer rules, not more. Well, sir, with all due respect, perhaps you’d like to tell that to Brandon Sutter, a young man with his whole career ahead of him who’s being forced to recover from the type of violence that’s come to epitomize the sport we love.

Mr. McCain, we’ve seen what happens when hockey is left entirely to its own devices, and now we’re saying, no more.

No more head shots. Elect Mr. Obama and they will be phased out by 2010.

No more clutching and grabbing. Every player, fast or slow, small or big, deserves the opportunity to skate freely.

Mr. Obama believes that hockey is a great sport, but he understands that the world is an ever-evolving place, and that hockey needs to change with it.

(This article appeared in Tuesday's print edition of The Province.)