This article appeared in Tuesday's print edition of The Province.

On Saturday night at GM Place, the Vancouver Canucks beat the Toronto Maple Leafs, 4-2. But the real story wasn't the game, not for us at least.

In an assignment befitting our status at the paper, we were dispensed to one of the arena's many men's restrooms to cover the action from the fan's perspective.

Here's a running narrative of what we saw and heard while trying not to come off like a couple of creeps during the rowdiest and most booze-fuelled game of the year:

First Intermission, Vancouver leads 2-0 

• According to one eloquent gentleman, "This (expletive) team (expletive) sucks. But at least we're (expletive) beating the (expletive) Leafs." Hey, nothing like a little swearing at the top of your lungs to make a point. This doesn't happen in the women's washroom, does it? For instance, you'd never hear, "(Expletive)! Sarah, be a dear and pass me some (expletive) toilet paper." Of course not. In the women's washroom, all you hear is fake compliments and hissing.  
  
  
• Lots of complaining about the long line-ups. Seems kind of pointless. Granted, most of it's just inane banter to pass the time, but unless there's a burgeoning society of single-file, idle-standing enthusiasts out there, nobody really needs to be reminded that long line-ups are not fun. When you really, really, really have to go, long line-ups are up there with plane trips to Australia, Rob Schneider movies and breaking up with a girl. They all seem to take forever.  
  
  
• Know what's fun? The hand dryer. If hand dryers could talk, they'd say, "Please enjoy this weak stream of warm air that smells like coffee breath." Screw the trees; we'll take a big stack of paper towels over a hand dryer any day. One wipe, two wipes, all dry. Nice working with you, nature.

Second Intermission, Vancouver leads 4-0 

• One Leafs fan to nobody in particular: "Yeah, but if it wasn't for Luongo, the Canucks would be dead." Apparently, in Toronto, it's a crime to have a goalie that stops the puck.  
  
  
• Uh-oh, someone's on a cell phone - that's a bad idea. Nothing good can come from taking a phone call in a public washroom. Ever notice how the whole place goes silent right as the juicy part of the conversation come out? "Well, maybe I don't trust your cousin because he spent the last six months in jail, Alexis." He should call his doctor next, see how those tests came out. 
  
  
• How's this for a story? Guy comes in eating a hotdog. Guy places half-eaten hotdog on top of urinal. Guy does his business...and resumes eating hotdog. Not even a courtesy splash at the sink. Enjoy that three-week bout of Norwalk.

Final Score: Vancouver 4, Toronto 2 

• Big win for the home team, time to rub it in. Canucks fan to Leafs fan: "Woo!" Leafs fan, back to Canucks fan: "Yeah-yeah, talk to me when you win a Stanley Cup." Canucks fans pauses to reflect, then responds to Leafs fan: "Woo!" Both make good points, but is there anything sadder than a Vancouverite arguing with a Torontonian over whose hockey team is better? It's like arguing over which company is better, Enron or General Motors.  
  
  
• Definitely time to leave. Pale, ashen and swaying - there's no doubt about it - this guy here is going to throw up. Maybe not now, maybe he'll hold out for a bit, maybe he'll...nope, he just threw up. Gross. The best part is, you just know this cat was Zinger McHeckles about an hour ago, the funniest guy in the arena. At least, that's the way he saw it. Now, he's got his head stuck in a toilet bowl that's been abused for three hours by guys who aim worse than drunken firemen hosing down a blaze. Ladies and gentlemen, Zinger McHeckles will be here all night. (Or at least until the janitor finds him.) 
  
  
  McHeckles awoke with a terrible pain in his lower back.
  (That's What You Get For Drinking 16 Smirnoff Ices Images)